1. Preparation:
Get cat carrier out of cupboard, ideally about 6 months before the event so he doesn't get suspicious.
Stock up on painkillers, Savlon, plasters and Vodka. Ignore looks from supermarket staff who clearly think that you are either a) suicidal or b) a self-harmer.
Book appointment with the Vet and apologise in advance.
About a week beforehand, bring carrier downstairs. Observe Cat disappearing for longer periods of time. Swear you can hear the theme from The Great Escape being whistled wherever you go.
2. The Event:
Wait for Cat to saunter nonchalantly past. Get OH to do a "swoop and scoop" and bundle Cat into carrier before he knows what's going on. N.B. You only get one shot at this. If you fail, you need to rebook the appointment because it isn't going to happen that day.
Carry Annoyed Cat out to car. Remember to turn the door of the carrier towards your chest and try not to think about the destruction of your clothing.
Drive to Vet. Speak reassuringly to Really Annoyed Cat all the while and tell him it's to try and calm him down. Put on air conditioning and radio. Tell yourself it's to calm him down and refuse to believe that it's to drown out the sound of the air raid siren now coming from the carrier.
Book in Angry Cat. Apologise again for what is about to happen. Sit with Angry Cat in waiting room and hope no large Dogs are also waiting. Warn any small children that the Pussy Cat is not ideal stroking material. Assure concerned onlookers that Really Angry Cat isn't wounded, just very vocal. Hope fervently that Vet isn't running late.
Eventually take Furious Cat through to Vet. Watch colour drain from Vet's face as he remembers who he is about to deal with. Apologise again. Try to tell yourself that all Vets call in an extra assistant and shudder before they deal with their patients.
Put carrier on the bench and stand back as Vet opens the door. Groan inwardly as Furious Cat refuses to make an appearance.
Smile a rather watery smile as Vet offers to "go in" and coax Furious Cat out. Try not to wince as Vet reaches in...
Make a crap joke along the lines of "Well, at least he's out now" as Vet withdraws his arm with Hissing, Spitting, Spiky, Wild-Eyed Maniac hanging off it. Rapidly withdraw carrier.
Watch as assistant extricates Hissing, Spitting, Spiky, and Wild-Eyed Maniac from Vet's arm. Try not to think about the blood. Assist both the Vet and the assistant into getting Hissing, Spitting, Spiky, and Wild-Eyed Maniac into a suitable position for the check up. Try not to think about the blood.
Get Hissing, Spitting, Spiky, and Wild-Eyed Maniac into the jab position. Try not to think about the blood. Position OH at the end of the bench, braced, with the carrier door open. Just as the Vet injects the Hissing, Spitting, Spiky, Wild-Eyed Maniac, release him and watch as the Furious Furry Fiend streaks across the bench and thuds into the carrier and OH's stomach. Rapidly close the carrier door and remove hand from harms way. Apologise profusely again to slightly shaken Vet who tells you not to bring Furious Furry Fiend back unless he is ill or for jabs as the Cat MOT "will be too stressful for him". Wonder whether the Vet is referring to himself or the Furious Furry Fiend. Try not to think about the blood.
Get OH to remove carrier containing Furious Furry Fiend to the car whilst you settle the bill with the receptionist. Apologise and promise again not to bring him back unless it is necessary.
3. The Aftermath:
Get home with Rather More Subdued But Still Angry Cat. Stand back whilst Annoyed Cat is released from the carrier and makes a bee-line for the back door. Decide that he should probably stay in for a while until he decides not to leave home permanently. Make fuss of Irritated Cat until you think he might love you again. Check yourself and treat any wounds.
4. Sometime Later:
Curl up on sofa with Chilled Kitty and a large Vodka and breath a huge sigh of relief that it's all over and done with for another year. Try not to think about next year and struggle to shake the feeling that Chilled Kitty might be mocking you as you take yet another photo of him...
